Men Jokes — best jokes

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"
→ "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
→ "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
→ Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
→ "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
→ "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
→ "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
→ "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
→ "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
→ "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
→ "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
→ "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
→ "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
→ Translated: "I make the messes she cleans them up."

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!' ....and she's always sound asleep."

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
3. Both mark their territory
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches
7. Neither does any dishes
8. Both fart shamelessly
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
10. Both like dominance games
11. Both are suspicious of the postman
12. Neither understands what you see in cats

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog
8. Dogs are easy to buy for
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says:

- Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow says:

- I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed.

- What happened then?

- She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'.

He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.
He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.
He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.
He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.
He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.
He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
→ Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
→ They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

- Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
→ Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
→ Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
→ They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
→ Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
→ A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?
→ Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you're really ugly?
→ Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
→ When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why did God create alcohol?
→ So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
→ "Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
→ Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
→ A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
→ Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
→ A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Jack and Jill were getting married. Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."

- I can't wear these, she said.

- Darn right, he said. I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that.

"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said. He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

- Put these on, he said.

- I can't wear these, Jill replied.

- Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that, he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

- I can't get in to these, he said.

- Darn right, Jill said. And if you don't change your attitude you never will!

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."