Men Jokes — best jokes

How do we know that God is a man?
→ Because if God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

Instructions for the guys:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert Card
3. Enter PIN
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away

Instructions for the Gals:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions
11. Hit "CANCEL"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"

College Classes For Men:

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

You just can't win, and here are the reasons why:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

The top 10 things men know about women are:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
(I think you get it where we're going with this.)
6.
7.
(Hey Guys..."check out #8...a new one!)
8.
9.
10.

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

"I'm going fishing." Really means...
→ "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means....
→ "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
→ "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....
→ Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means...
→ "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
→ "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late." Really means....
→ "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....
→ "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means....
→ "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
→ "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means....
→ "You want me to stay awake?"

"That's women's work." Really means....
→ "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means....
→ "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means....
→ "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means....
→ "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means....
→ "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means....
→ "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means....
→ "What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you." Really means....
→ "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"You look terrific." Really means....
→ "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you." Really means....
→ "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means....
→ "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means....
→ "I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means....
→ "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
→ "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?" She paused a moment and looked around the room.

"I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?"

From the back of the room came a voice... "He'd still be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries!"