"I'm going fishing."
→ Really means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
→ Really means "Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
→ Really means "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
→ Really means "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
→ Really means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
→ Really means "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
→ Really mean absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea."
→ Really means "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
→ Really means "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
→ Really means "She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
→ Really means "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
→ Really means "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
→ Really means "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
→ Really means "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
→ Really means "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
→ Really means "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
→ Really means "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
→ Really means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
→ Really means "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
→ Really means "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
→ Really means "You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
→ Really means "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
→ Really means "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
→ Really means "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
→ Really means "I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
→ Really means "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."
→ Really means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
→ Really means "Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
→ Really means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
→ Really means "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
→ Really means "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
→ Really means "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
→ Really means "What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
→ Really means "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
→ Really means "She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
→ Really means "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
→ Really means "You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
→ Really means "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
→ Really means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
→ Really means "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
→ Really means "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
→ Really means "It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
→ Really means "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
→ Really means "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
→ Really means "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
→ Really means "I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
→ Really means "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
→ Really means "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
→ Really means "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
→ Really means "It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
→ Really means "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
→ Really means "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
→ Really means "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
"I broke up with her."
→ Really means "She dumped me."
