Men Jokes — best jokes

My marriage is childless so far, except for my husband!

Why are some married men like candles?
→ Because they occasionally go out at night when they should not.

A good husband is the light of his wife's life. But some wives are getting fed up with seeing their lights go out every night!

Tom and Jeni are having one of their occasional disputes of opinion. Tom took off his pants and threw them at Jeni, yelling, "Hey, woman, can you fill these pants up?"

"Of course not, you jerk. You know I can't."

"You're right. You can't. I wear the pants in this family."

So Jeni took off her panties and threw them at Tom, yelling, "Hey, jerk, can you get into these panties?"

"Hell no! They're too small and dainty!"

"And you won't either, until you change your treatment of me!"

If you constantly hear a married man brag about how he runs everything around the house, you can be sure that he is referring to the lawn mower, the car, the errands, and the baby carriage.

Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked "Women" and the other marked "Men".

He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more gates.

The right-hand gate had a sign that read "Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses"; the other gate read "Men Who Were Boss And Dominated Their Spouses". The first gate had an endless line of guys waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate. Albert was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked, "Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?"

The smallish fellow replied, "I haven't a clue. My wife told me to stand here."

Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis:

If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea.

If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him pick them out.

If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.

Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, and a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house!

"Before I married my wife," a husband once said, "it was nothing but wine, women, and song.

Now that I'm her husband, it's beer, mama, and TV."

A male chauvinist tells his buddy over drinks, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."

His buddy asks, "Oh? Why do you wonder about that?"

To which he replies, "Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!"