Marriage Jokes — best jokes

What do you call a cow who argues with her husband?
→ A bullfighter!

- Professor: I forgot to take my umbrella this morning.

- Wife: When did you first miss it, dear?

- Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped.

Did you hear about the Western Kentucky professor who kissed the door goodbye and slammed his wife as he went by?

- Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet!

- Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket?

- Professor: Yes, but I thought it was mine!

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas.
It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.

They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."

She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

Why is Chelsea Clinton growing up a confused child?
→ Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

A certain little boy had been spanked by his father one morning. When his dad came in from the office that evening, the boy called out sulkily, 'Mum! your husband's just come home.'

"Where's the car?" asked Professor Delbert's wife when he got home.

"Did I take it out?"

"Yes, you drove it to school this morning."

"I suppose you're right, my dear. I remember now that after I got out, I turned to thank the man who gave me a lift and wondered where he'd gone."

- Wife: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.

- Husband: Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous.

- Wife: I tell you the car has water in the carburettor.

- Husband: You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

- Wife: In the pool.

A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.

"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.

"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

"No you weren't!" the trooper said.

With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."