Marriage Jokes — best jokes

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs, that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these three found in the store?"

The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace. The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says "All these years married and I never knew the old girl smoked."

The Scotsman looks into his wife's handbag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of scotch. "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank."

The Irishman empties his wife's handbag onto the floor, looks through the contents and picks up a half empty packet of condoms. "'Saints preserve us! All dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man."

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"What will you name the baby"?
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong!

How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
→ He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.

Did you hear about the Polak who married an Amish woman?
→ He drove her buggy.

Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?
→ On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play. "What part?" the mother asked.
"I play a Jewish husband," the boy replied.
"Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!"

How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?
→ Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough.
If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.

One Scot came back from work earlier then usual and saw plumber's car in the front of the house.

- Oh my God, I hope it is her lover.

A woman just back from Arizona was telling her friends about the trip.
"When my husband first saw the Grand Canyon, his face dropped a mile," she said.
"Why, was he disappointed with the view?"
"No, he fell over the edge."

- Wife to Husband: I'll have you know I've got the face of a teenager!

- Husband to Wife: Then you should give it back, you're wearing it out.