Lawyer Jokes — best jokes

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee. "I'll choose this room," he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him. Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.

A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."

How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?
→ His lips start moving.

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Important Legal

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

- Did you actually see the accident?

- Yes, sir.

- How far away were you when the accident happened?

- Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.

- (thinking he'd trap the witness) Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?

- Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered".

"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered".

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded".

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."

These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

What is your date of birth?
→ July fifteenth.

What year?
→ Every year.

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
→ Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

How old is your son-the one living with you.
→ Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

How long has he lived with you?
→ Forty-five years.

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
→ He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

And why did that upset you?
→ My name is Susan.

Did you blow your horn or anything?
→ After the accident?

Before the accident.
→ Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
→ We both do.

Voodoo?
→ We do.

You do?
→ Yes, voodoo.

Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
→ Yes.

Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
→ Yes, sir.

What did she say?
→ What disco am I at?

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Did he kill you?

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

You were there until the time you left, is that true?

How many times have you committed suicide?

She had three children, right?
→ Yes.

How many were boys?
→ None.

Were there any girls?

You say the stairs went down to the basement?
→ Yes.

And these stairs, did they go up also?

Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
→ I went to Europe, Sir.

And you took your new wife?

How was your first marriage terminated?
→ By death.

And by whose death was it terminated?

Can you describe the individual?
→ He was about medium height and had a beard.

Was this a male, or a female?

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
→ No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
→ All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
→ Oral.

Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
→ The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
→ No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

You were not shot in the fracas?
→ No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
→ No.

Did you check for blood pressure?
→ No.

Did you check for breathing?
→ No.

So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
→ No.

How can you be so sure, Doctor?
→ Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away..". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. Again, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it..