Language Jokes — best jokes

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Crash Course in Speaking Chinese

Chinese Phrase - English Translation

• Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table
• Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift
• Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention
• Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?
• Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
• Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host
• Kum Hia: Approach me
• Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island
• Lao Ze: Not very good
• Lin Ching: An illegal execution
• Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program
• Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
• Shai Gai: A bashful person
• Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant
• Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse
• Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people
• Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.
• Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
• Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile
• Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?
• Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK
BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER
How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

• Aig - What a hen lays
• Aints - He's got aints in his paints
• Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin
• Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
• Bag - He bagged her to marry him
• Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
• Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
• Bub - the light bub burned out
• Cheer - What you set in
• Crick - A small stream
• Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
• Chiny - country over in Asia
• Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
• Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
• Cyow - Animal on Farm
• Deppity - He helps out the shurf
• Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
• Dainz - Satidy night social
• Ellum - A graceful tree
• Fanger - What you put your rang on
• Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
• Far - What get the brandin arn hot
• Furred - He got furred from his job
• Flar - A rose is a purdy flar
• Frash - Them aigs ain't frash
• Furiners - All non-'bamans
• Further - Hits ten miles further to town
• Grain - She was grain with envy
• Hail - Where bad folks go
• Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
• Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
• Hilbilly - People in the next county
• Hollar - Whats between the hills
• Hard - Got a brend new hardhand
• Tar - His core blew a tar
• Laymun - A sour fruit
• Laig - Most folks have two of them
• Lather - What you climb up
• Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin
• Mailk - what you get from cyows
• Mere - What you see your self in
• Minners - Live bait
• Misrus - Married Woman
• Nar - Opposite of wide
• Nayk - Your head sets on it
• Nup - No
• Orrel - Them hinges need orrel
• Ormy - What the sojers go in
• Pank - A light red color
• Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow
• Petition - What separate the rooms
• Poke - A paper bag or sack
• Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in
• Poke Salit - A green vegetable
• Puppet - What the preacher is in
• Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
• Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig
• Rang - You wear it on your fanger
• Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts
• Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town
• Rainch - A big cow farm
• Rat - Do it rat now!
• Rench - Rench the soap yourself
• Roont - She plum roont her shoes
• Salary - A stringy vegetable
• Soardeens - Small canned fish
• Shar - A light rain
• Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain
• Toad strangler - A heavy rain
• SodyPop - A soft drink
• Sprang - Water out'n the ground
• Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
• Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it
• Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
• Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
• Tho - Tho me the ball
• Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat
• War - A bobbed war fance
• Worsh - Go worsh your face
• Warter - What you worsh your face in
• Yurp - A continent overseas

For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.

Harlez-vous français?
→ CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE?

Cogito Eggo Sum.
→ I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE.

Rigor morris.
→ THE CAT IS DEAD.

Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid.
→ HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH.

Que sera serf.
→ LIFE IS FEUDAL.

Posh mortem.
→ DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

Pro Bozo publico
→ SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN.

Après Moe le deluge.
→ LARRY AND MOE GOT WET.

Haste cuisine.
→ FAST FRENCH FOOD.

Veni, vidi, vice.
→ I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED.

Mazel ton.
→ TONS OF LUCK.

Aloha oy.
→ LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW.

Visa la France.
→ DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT.

L'état, c'est moo.
→ I'M BOSSY AROUND HERE.

Cogito, ergo spud.
→ I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM. (OK, more than 1 letter.)

Veni, vidi, velcro
→ I CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND. (OK, another exception.)

• Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
• How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
• If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
• If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
• If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?
• In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
• Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
• Is there another word for a synonym?
• Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
• What is another word for "thesaurus"?
• Where do swear words come from?
• Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
• Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
• Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
• Why do people use the word "irregardless"?
• Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
• Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
• Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
• Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
• Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?
• Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
• Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
• Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?
• Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?
• Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
• Why is abbreviation such a long word?
• Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
• Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
• Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
• Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?
• Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
• Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
• Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95

Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER
by Jerrold H Zar

I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too be a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid to wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
it does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.

Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms

• IBM: I Blame Microsoft / Idiots Buy Me / Idiots Building Machines / I'll Buy Macintoshes / It Bit Me / It Built Microsoft / It's Better Manually / I've Been Mislead / I've Been Mugged
• WINDOWS: Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed / When I Need Data Output Without Speed / While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation / Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
• WIN: Whoppingly Immense NOP Worm Infestation Netware
• MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT: My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology / Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally
• WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan

Different Operating Systems Expectations

• Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get
• MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It
• UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno
• VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not

Random Abbreviations for Many Computer Companies

• APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
• DEC: Dump Everything and Close
• DEC: Do Expect Cuts
• HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic
• HP: Hot Pursuit
• IBM: I Blame Microsoft
• MAC: Most Absurd Computer
• MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
• MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
• NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash
• OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
• WARP: What A Rot Program

Acronymns for Other Computer Terms:

• AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
• BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
• CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
• COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
• DOS: Defective Operating System
• ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
• LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
• MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
• PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
• PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
• SCSI: System Can't See It
• WWW: World Wide Wait

In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition:

• The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.
• Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.
• Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.
• Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.
• Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.
• Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt !
• Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.
• Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle.
• 665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."