Kids Jokes — best jokes

What did the normal baby say to the test tube baby?
→ Ha..ha... your dad's a jerk off!

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went. He said, "We're learning about sexual education." She smiled, and said, "At least he's learning something usefull." Billy went up to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and sees him jerking off. She says, "Billy, when you're done with your homework, supper's on the table."

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?" He said, "Damn if I know." She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know." The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!"

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

- Mother: What does the cow say?

- Child: Moooo!

- Mother: Great! What does the cat say?

- Child: Meow.

- Mother: Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?

And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

- My name is Billy. What's yours?

- Tommy.

- My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?

- My Daddy's a lawyer.

- Honest?

- No, just the regular kind.

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister" says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Theres an old man laying on the beach naked and a little girl was pasing buy she stops and stairs at the man and asked mister what is that. the man says what the little girl says that between your legs the man says oh that well the thing that is standing is the bird the two things on the side are the eggs and the thing around it is the nest ok the old man asked her to leave so he can get some sun he falls asleep when he wakes up there are peramedics around him he asked what happen the peramedic said ask the little girl the old man calls her over what happen the little girl said when you went to sleep I tryed to make the bird fly I pulled and pulled but he got big and spit at me so I kicked the bird smashed the eggs and burnd the nest.

A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.

"Mummy, mummy, what are these?" he says, pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, "these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven."

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.

Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.

"Mummy, mummy, Aunt Mary is dying!"

What do you mean? says his mother.

Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling "God, I'm coming! I'm coming!!!"