Kids Jokes — best jokes

Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his girlfriend some.

Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, "Whatcha doin' daddy?"

Johnny's dad stoops over to cover-up his dick and starts looking at the floor. "Oh I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. Little Johnny says, "Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?"

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny.

"How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"

He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k."

His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"

Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."

"Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!"

"If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you."

"If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man."

"Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!"

"Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!"

"Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore."

"Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!"

"If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!"

"Don't make me put you back in the womb!"

"As long as you live under this roof, you're going to wear that dress, young man!"

"You just wait til your father gets paroled!"

"Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin."

"Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!"

And the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families...

"All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!"

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID IS TAKING DWEEBONICS CLASSES

10. They tilt their head sideways to smile.
11. When you ground them, they say, "Your UI could really use some work."
12. They say, "My dad can beat your dad at Quake."
13. Instead of laughing, they say, "LOL."
14. They insult kids by saying, "And you've got limited bandwidth!"
15. They change the answering machine message to "BRB, leave your URL, and we'll TTYL."
16. This is how they ask someone out on a date: "Umm, uh, well...see ya!"
17. Calling from camp, your homesick child says, "I'm roaming outside my service area!"
18. When you ask if they've finished their book report, they say, "It's in beta, but it'll ship in time."
19. You're telling them something they don't want to hear. They're saying, "NAK, NAK, NAK" the whole time.

Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up in the morning.

The next morning she came into Herbie's room to make sure he'd prayed hard the night before. 'Well then, open your eyes and you'll know that your prayers have been answered.'

Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, 'Mother! Mother! I still can't see!'

'I know, dear,' said his mother. 'April Fool!'

Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately, it was born without arms or legs -- without even a torso. It was just a head. Still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it.

Finally after twenty years, they took a much-needed vacation and whom should they meet on the cruise ship but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. 'I know,' he said, 'how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole.'

The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, 'Honey... Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!'

'Noooooo!,' shrieked the head, 'Not another hat!'

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

His father asks, "What's the fucking difference?"

Johnny says, "That's exactly what I said!"

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"