Kids Jokes — best jokes

What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake?
→ Stop crying and viper your nose.

How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana?
→ She left him out in the sun too long.

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief.

- Ma'am, do all these children and this luggage belong to you? - he said.

- Yes, sir, they're all mine. - my mother said with a sigh.

The customs agent began his interrogation:

- Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?

- Sir, if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now. - she calmly answered.

- Little boy to airline pilot: You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting.

- Pilot: Not if I do it right.

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

- Excuse me, General - she asks quietly - but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides:

- I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy.
So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol.

- Throw out more! - shouts the pilot.

So they throw out a rifle.

- More! - he cries again.

They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says:

- A pistol hit me on the head!

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says:

- A rifle hit me on the head!

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him:

- Kid, what's so funny?

The boy replies:

- I sneezed and a house blew up!

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

- How come? - his nephew asked.

- My plane has been grounded - Brendan explained.

- Grounded? - the little boy said.

- I didn't know planes had parents.

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

Two girls were having their packed lunch in the school yard. One had an apple and the other said:

- Watch out for worms won't you!

The first one replied:

- why should I? They can watch out for themselves.

- Dad, do you like baked apples?

- Yes son, why?

- The orchard's on fire.