Irish Jokes — best jokes

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.

"What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

An Irishman went into a post office to see if there were any letters for him.
"I'll see, sir," said the clerk.
"What is your name?"
"You're having me on now because I'm Irish," said the Irishman.
"Won't you see the name on the envelope?"

Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
→ There's a 12-month waiting list.

Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?
→ They were riverdancing.

Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to swim the English channel?
Halfway across he decided he couldn't make it so he swam back.

- Fred: Did you hear about the Irish window cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder?

- Harry: What did the sign say?

- Fred: Stop.

An Irishman saw a notice outside a police station which read: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY.
So he went in and applied for the job!

Did you hear about the Irishman who couldn't tell the difference between his two horses?
→ His friend suggested measuring them, that didn't help though, the Irishman discovered that the brown horse was only an inch taller than the white one!

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said, "Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time.

"And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified.
And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped, "I don't understand it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck."

Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This reminds me of Finnegan," remarked one.

"What about Finnegan?" inquired the other.

"'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.' 'Well, Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St. Peter, 'just wait a minute.'"