Irish Jokes — best jokes

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, "well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he actually died in the auschwitz concentration camp."

Patrick says, "that's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?" and Mick replies, "no, he fell out of the machine gun tower."

35 People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading over the Pacific Ocean. Suddenly, a Message is announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"

"Damn!" Said the Irishman. 10 mins later, "I'm sorry people Engine #3 has died, We'll be 1 hour late"

20 mins later, "Every one, engine # 4 has died, sorry, We'll be 2 hours late"

Suddenly the Irish man speaks out, "Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we'll be stuck up here all day!!"

Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting?
→ He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.

Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
→ He wiped the chain and pulled himself.

Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia.

His mate asked him what it was like.

"Australia's a great place!" Paddy replied. "First they take you home and fill you so full of piss you can't stand up. Then, to top it off, they let you fuck their women whenever you want."

"Is that right?" said his mate very impressed. "I always heard Australians were real pricks."

"Well," said Paddy, "Only the white ones!"

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotchman sitting on a beach notice a mermaid sitting on a rock. The Englishman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been kissed?' No says the Mermaid. He kisses her and she likes it. After a while the Scotchman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been fondled?'. She says no and he fondles her, much to her delight. After another while the irishman approaches her and asks 'Have you ever been fucked?' She says no. 'Well you are fucked now because the tide's gone out.'

What happened to the Irishman who tried to kill himself by swallowing 100 pain killers?
→ After two he began to feel better.

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

There's these four Irishmen in a bar, all drinking Guinness. One of them is looking rather puzzled, so another turns to him and asks him what's the matter.

- 1st Irishman: Well, I was just trying to remember what 2 plus 2 is.

- 2nd Irishman: Oh, that's easy, it's 147.

- 1st Irishman: No no no, that can't be right. How about you, Fergus, do you know what 2 plus 2 is?

- 3rd Irishman: Hmmm ... could it be Wednesday, perhaps?

- 1st Irishman: No no no, that doesn't sound right either. How about you Pat, do you know?

- 4th Irishman: Simple, the answer is 4.

- 1st Irishman: Of course! How did you work it out?!

- 4th Irishman: Aha, that's where brains come in! I subtracted 147 from Wednesday!