Golf Jokes — best jokes

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven.

"Sorry, old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game."

"Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry Peter, but I can explain...", the old golfer blithered.

"Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy."

So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's office. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..."

"So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain."

"Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!"

"OK. Try me, " replied the Lord.

"Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..."

"And that's when you took my name in vain?"

"Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole..."

"So, that is when you took my name in vain?"

"No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the hole..."

"Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!"

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.

She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.

"I've been stung by a wasp" she says.
"Where did it get you?" he replies.
"Between the 1st and 2nd hole."

"I think your stance must be a little too wide."

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.

He sat down and asked his mate what happened.

"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend.

"Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.

And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?"

The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."

So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says, "Did you see it?"

"Sure!", says his buddy.

"Where did it go?", the first guy asks. The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember."

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

What do you call a woman who can suck golf balls through a hose?
→ Darling.

What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
→ A man will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

Mike and Keith are playing golf one hot Sunday afternoon. While approaching the sixteenth hole, they notice an old golfer teeing up by himself. The two friends stop and wait for the older golfer to finish his hole. After the old man drives the ball a considerable distance down the fairway, he collapses on the green. Mike and Keith run up the fellow to help. After feeling the old man's pulse, Mike tells Keith to run to the club house and call 911.

Keith leaves and returns about two minutes later after making the call. Upon returning Keith, sees the old man naked and bent over a nearby bench. Meanwhile, Mike is screwing the unconscious man vigorously. Keith in astonishment says, "Hey, What are you doing? I thought you were going to give him CPR." Mike replies, "Well, it started off that way."