Gender Jokes — best jokes

Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)

1. Elementary map reading
2. Crying and law enforcement
3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR
4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.
6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.")
7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions
8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights
9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed
10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water
11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament
12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love you")
13. How to earn your own money
14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, "Fabric bad, electronics good")
15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side
16. Beyond "Clean and Dirty" - The nuances of wearable laundry
17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station
18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels
19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy
20. His best friend can be yours too
21. His poker games: Deal yourself out
22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, "Wedlock Schmedlock")
23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above "I do"
24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house
25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man?

Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females)

1. Combatting stupidity
2. You too can do housework
3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut
4. How to fill an ice tray
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us money
6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")
8. Parenting: It doesn't end with conception
9. Get a life; learn to cook
10. How not to act like a jackass when you're obviously wrong
11. Spelling: Even you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetence
13. You: The weaker sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake in public
16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb
18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try
19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower
20. I'll wear it if I damn well please
21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled "No, it's not a bidet")
22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms
23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull
24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too
29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home
30. You too can be a designated driver
31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, "You don't look like Mel Gibson when naked")
32. Changing your underwear: It really works
33. The attainable goal: removing "tits" from your vocabulary
34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary
35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work

What do you call a woman outside the kitchen?
→ A fugitive

If God had wanted people to be gay... he would've made Adam & Steve instead of Adam & Eve.

What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
→ A liquor cabinet.

Ok there are two gay guys and two lesbians. They are on a race to LA.

Which of the two will get there first?
→ The Lesbians, because the gay guys are still getting their shit packed!

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
11. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
12. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
13. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
14. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
15. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
16. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
17. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
18. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

In response... The male perspective on the same issue ...

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
11. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
12. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
13. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
14. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
15. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
16. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
17. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
18. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

The perfect man, the perfect woman, and Santa Claus are in a car driving down the road and there is a fatal accident. There in only one survivor. Who is it?
→ The perfect woman - Santa Claus is made up and there's no such thing as the perfect man!

How do you open a can of beer?
→ That's not the point - it should be open when she gives it to you!

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.
4. A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ...pow!...it was.. all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhh my wife found out!"
5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The man responds, "I don't care... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
9. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
10. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose would you go to lunch or to a movie?
11. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.