Gender Jokes — best jokes

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.

Then God created man and rested.

Then God created woman.

Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: WO
DISCOVERER: ADAM
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.

OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties:

1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:

1. Highly ornamental.
2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come into contact with each other.

What is the difference between a blonde and a brunette?
→ Well about 15 minutes!

What's the difference between women and men?
→ One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.

After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts.

If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow. Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism.

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, and Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who don't have huge wardrobes, pools, ponies, and perfect bods.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

The Perfect Day - Her

• 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
• 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
• 9:30 Light Breakfast
• 11:00 Sunbathe
• 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
• 1:45 Shopping
• 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
• 3:00 Facial, massage, nap
• 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
• 10:00 Make love
• 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

• 6:45 Alarm.
• 7:00 Shower and massage.
• 7:30 Blowjob.
• 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
• 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
• 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
• 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
• 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
• 12:30 Blowjob.
• 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
• 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
• 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
• 6:15 Blowjob.
• 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
• 7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
• 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
• 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
• 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
• 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave.
• Midnight Blowjob
• Sleep

Why is psycho-analysis so much easier for men rather than women?
→ Because when it comes time to revert to childhood, men are already there.

Why do women get PMS?
→ THEY JUST FUCKING DO ALRIGHT!?

• 17: He offers to pay
• 25: He pays
• 35: He cooks breakfast the next morning
• 48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
• 66: He can chew breakfast

• 17: 17
• 25: 25
• 35: 35
• 48: 48
• 66: 66