Drunks — best jokes

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"

What is the difference between men and pigs?
→ Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Men are like coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

- I think you've had enough, sir.

- I just lost my wife, buddy!

- Well, it must be hard losing a wife....

- It was almost impossible!

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
→ One less drunk.

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"
The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"

The angry wife met her husband at the door.

His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick. "I assume," she barked, "there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."

"Get this." said the bloke to his mates,
"Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything." his mates asked.
"yeah, a broken jaw and six teeth knocked out. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."