Random joke from this category
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT...
But my wife out in the car still does!"
One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.
- Doctor: What was your dream about?
- Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!
- Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
- Blonde: I was running in a hall way.
- Doctor: Then what happened?
- Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
- Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
- Blonde: Yes it did.
- Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
- Blonde: It said "Pull"
- Girl to Doctor: Doctor, Help! My brother thinks he's a chicken!
- Doctor: How long has this been going on?
- Girl: About a year.
- Doctor: Wow! Why didn't you tell me sooner?
- Girl: Because we needed the eggs!
I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day.
He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.
My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.
I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem.
Sure enough, he said that I had three times the "normal length" of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.
I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery -- provided that I didn't play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.
Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor.
Then I asked him what had become of the "rest" of me.
He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it...and watched it duck hook two fairways away...
A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!...
I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
What's the best thing about growing old?
→ You get to hide your own Easter eggs.
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.
Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.
Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:
A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"
A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it's up?"
A Bank manager says "don't take it out you'll lose interest!"
- Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!
- What's come over you?
- 2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.
- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pack of cards!
- I'll deal with you later.
- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a needle!
- I see your point.
- Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pair of curtains!
- Pull yourself togerther man!
- Doctor Doctor - I have 59 seconds to live!
- Wait a minute will ya!
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
- Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
- But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
- Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
- Doc: Do you drink a lot?
- Not really - I spill most of it!
- Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
- Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
- Then you'll have a bad headache.
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!
- Doc: When did this start?
- Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...
- Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
- Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?
- Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
- Doc: I never make rash promises!
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!
- Doc: So what's wrong with that?
- I think I'm going to croak!
