Doctor Jokes — best jokes

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.

One turned to the other and said, "Hello."

The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."

How many Histrionic P.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ "You want me to change the lightbulb? I could burn my hand! I could be electrocuted! I could fall off the ladder and be paralyzed for life! You don't love me anymore!"

How many Dependent P.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None, he's still clinging to the old lightbulb.

How many Passive Aggressive P.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Oops. I can't believe I broke the last one. I guess you'll have to sit in the dark.

How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just one. But he has to check it 100 times, one for each watt.

How many Borderline P.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't change it for him/her.

Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The shrink informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. Asking the first patient:

- How much is two plus two?

- Blue.

At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room.

Turning to the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To which the patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to remove the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks, "How much is five plus five?" The patient answers very confidentally: "Ten." The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out? The patient: "Easy. Blue multiplied by square equals ten."

- Doctor, I get the feeling that people don't give a hoot about anything I say.

- So?

"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again."

"Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied.

"And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store. You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever."

"Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?"

"Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave."

- Patient: I'm really depressed.

- Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.

- Patient: Nothing is going well.

- Therapist: Nothing well.

- Patient: I feel like killing myself.

- Therapist: You're thinking of killing yourself.

- Patient: Yes, I'm going to do it NOW.

- Therapist: You want to do it now.

- Patient: [Jumps out window.]

- Therapist: Woosh. Splat.