Dirty Jokes — best jokes

What is the difference between 'like' and 'love'?
→ Spit and swallow!

To: All Male U.S. Citizens
From: I.R.S. Service Center
Re: Notice of increase in tax payments

The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1, 1998 your penis will be taxed according to size. The categories are as follows:

- 10 - 12 inches....... Luxury Tax $30.00

- 8 -10............... Pole Tax $25.00

- 5 -8................ Privilege Tax $15.00

- 4 -5................ Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return. NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
I.R.S

Did ya hear about the blonde lesbian?
→ She liked guys!

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said:

- We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.

- Uh huh - said the old man.

- We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon - said the old woman.

- Uh huh - said the old man.

- And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon - said the old woman.

- That's right - said the old man, except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'

There was this boy that lived with his mother.

One night the boy woke up and went to the restroom and on his way he passed his mothers room and looked in and saw his mom rubbing her breasts and saying:

- I NEED A MAN. Then he went to bed.

The next night the same thing happened, she was there rubbing her breasts and saying:

- I NEED A MAN.

On the third night the woman had a man in bed with her when the son looked in.

Right away the boy went to his room and stood in front of the mirror rubbing hiself and saying....:

- I NEED A BIKE..........

If a man talking dirty to a woman is sexual harassment, what do you call a woman talking dirty to a man?
→ $3.99 a minute!

What's the simiarity between Clinton and a carpenter?
→ One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart!

Why do they name cyclones after women?
→ Because they start off as little blow jobs and end up taking the whole house!

Four words guaranted to destroy a man's ego: "Is it in yet?"

A famous magician had a thundering finish to his act. He would fill a large bowl with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the amazement of his audience.

One night he had just begun the wow finish of his act when he stopped in his tracks.

- Go ahead - said the stage manager:

- Eat the shit, eat the shit!

- I just can't do it - said the magician:

- There's a hair in it!