Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

- Who is it? - calls one of the nuns.

- Blind man - replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

- Nice butt, sister - says the man:

- where do you want these blinds?

3 nurses go into the morgue, and there's a dead man's body lying there, with an erection.

The first nurse sees it, and says "I'm gagging for it", gets atop the man and has her way with it.

The second nurse says "Aye, so am I, shame to let it go to waste", and she does the same.

They turn to the 3rd nurse and ask her if she is having a go. She replies she is having her period, and declines. One of the nurses reply "He's dead anyway, he'll no bother". The last nurse agrees with this, gets on and does her thing too.

Just after she finishes, the dead man sits up. The nurses ask him "We thought you were dead!", and the man replies,"After two jump starts and a blood transfusion, you wouldn't be dead either!".

A man walks into a bar with his pet crocodile, the bartender screams and demands he get the man eating creature out of there!

The man tries to calm the bartender down and says he is very well trained to prove it the man whipped out his cock and put it in the crocodile's mouth, then he hit the crocodile over the head and after a few good smacks he pulls it out and shows the bar tender:

- Look, no marks.

The bartender is still unsure so the man asks...

- Would anyone else like to try?

The bar is quiet and a few minutes later a blonde in the corner stands up and says...

- I will but don't smack me on the head!

What is Green, Slimy, and Smells like Pork?
→ Kermit's Dick

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese:

- Wasukima! Wasukima!

He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted:

- Wasukima!

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked:

- Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?

A man walks in for a sale rep job. He is very qualitfied, but he has a nervous twitch, and his left eye is always winking. So he speaks with the manager and the manager says:

- Well sir, you are very well qualified for the job, but people have to be comfortable around a sales rep. and that eye thing is really freaky.

The man smiles and says:

- Oh that, I just take some Tylenol and it goes away.

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom, he takes several more condoms out and finally finds some Tylenol. He takes two Tylenol and the eye twitch goes away. The manager frowns:

- Sir, I'm sorry but our company does not like womanizers. I don't like the look of all those condoms.

The man chuckles:

- Oh, I'm no womanizer... but do you know how hard it is to buy Tylenol at a drug store with your eye contantly winking?

The following phrase:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA

can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Coincidence? I think not!

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him:

- I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied:

- You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said:

- Paint my house!

I, Caesar, when I heard of the fame
To Cleopatra I straightway laid claim
Ahead of my legions I invaded her regions
I saw, I conquered, I came!

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.