Dirty Jokes — best jokes

A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, "So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?"

"Yes, Doc," the old man slowly responded. "My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered."

This took the doctor quite by surprise. "You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining?"

"Well," the old man said, "I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered."

Still confused, the doctor said, "I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive."

"Doc," the old man said, "You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here," pointing to his head, "to here," pointing to between his legs.

Two elderlies are rocking on the porch at the home. "Bet you can't guess how old I am," he says. "Bet I can," she says. "Bet you fifty dollars you can't tell me how old I am," he says. "You're on," she says.

"Stand up." He stands up. She looks him up and she looks him down. "Now turn around," she says. She looks him up and she looks him down. "Now, turn back around . . . and drop your pants," she says. He drops his pants and she looks him up . . . and she looks him down . . . "you're 86," she says. He's dumbounded. "By golly, woman, you're right. I am 86. How'd you know?" She rocks and smiles.

"You told me yesterday!"

Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike?
→ They both say... "insert Bill here!"

There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages.

One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old.

The 60 yo started complaining. He said "I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night."

The 70 year old then said, "I don't have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, oooze all day and night."

The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said, "I don't have any of those problems! At 7:00 a.m. I take a good piss, at 9:00 a.m. I take a good shit.

"My only problem is that...

I don't wake up until noon!"

How can you tell when a Jewish girl has an orgasm?
→ She drops her nail file.

What do snowmen have that snowwomen don't?
→ Snowballs!

A kid, just getting home from school runs up to his dad...

"Daddy, daddy! I'm the only one in my class that can count to ten. Why do you rec'un so?"

"Why that's because your from Kentucky son." The dad responses.

The next day the kid gets home from school...

"Daddy, daddy! I'm the only one in my class that knows all the letters in the alphabet. Why do you rec'un so?"

"That's because you're from Kentucky son." The dad tells him again.

The next day the kid busts through the door...

"Daddy. daddy! I'm the only one in school who has a large penis, is that because I'm from Kentucky?"

The dad looks at him and says, "No that's because you're 22."

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?"

"Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --"

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point."

Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel free this afternoon?"

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?"

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.

Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.

"Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"

What does a bee do with it's stinger before he goes to bed???
→ He put's it in his honey!!

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.

They come to a room marked "Hitler." Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape, Eva applies another iron.

"I can't spend eternity like that," says Clinton. "Show me something else." Satan takes him to another room marked "Jack the Ripper."

Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack.

Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more. "I can't spend eternity like that, either," says Clinton. "Show me something better." Satan takes Bill to the last door.

Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex. Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me." Satan smirks and says "Good choice, Mr. President."

He looks down at Monica and says...

"You can get up now, Honey. We've finally found your replacement!"