Dirty Jokes — best jokes

What's sicker than sick?
→ Masturbating with your grandma's ashes under your foreskin....

Whats worse than shit on Olivia Newton Johns face?
→ Cum on Eileen.

What's black and blue and hates sex?
→ A rape victim.

The Answer: A Cockrobin.

The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner, who was tending bar, said:

- I've never seen you in her before.

The guy says:

- Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my way to find a job.

The owner asks:

- What do you do?

The guy says:

- I write music and play the piano.

The owner, looking excited says:

- REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking for someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me if you're interested.

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent and musical abilities. The owner says:

- You play the piano more beautifully than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?

The guy says:

- I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking Their Brains Out.

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says:

- My gosh, that's a terrible name for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers:

- I Fucked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore.

The owner again was shocked. The owner says:

- Ok, you play beautifully and the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons.

The guy agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.

One of the patrons close to the piano says:

- Sir, do you know your dick and balls are hanging out?

The guy smiles and says:

- KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!

Two guys get stuck on a desert island.

They are soon caught by the natives and brought to a village and put before the cheif.

He says to the first guy:

- As punishment for tresspassing I give you a choice, death or Ru Ru.

Not wanting to die he picks Ru Ru.

He is then beaten and buggered to unconciousness right in front of his friend.

The 2nd guy when asked says:

- I'd rather die than suffer that.

The chief says:

- Great, death it is, death by Ru Ru!!!

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said:

- I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The eyes said:

- I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The hands said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The stomach said:

- I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The legs said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

Then the rectum said:

- I think I should be in charge.

All the rest of the parts said:

- YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge.

So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an a - - hole.

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said:

- I'm going to make a . . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret.

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on:

- Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . .

The repairman could hardly speak:

- Yes yes!

- And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . .

- Yes yes!

- Would you help me move the refrigerator?

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says:

- Three million dollars.

The accounts person is startled, and says:

- In what form?

and the little old lady says:

- Cash. I've got it here in this bag...

and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says:

- Gambling.

- Gambling? - he says.

- What sort of gambling?

- Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.

- I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said:

- I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?

- Ok, have it your way - said the president, and they shook hands on it.

- See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning - said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

- Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be? - said the president.

- He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?

- No, perfectly understandable - said the president.

- Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win! - he said happily.

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

- Not so fast! - said the little old lady.

- For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.

- Ok, you win, here's your $100,000 - says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills.

As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

- What's wrong with him? - asks the bank president.

- Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.

So you don't know Jack Schitt

He's the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt.

Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spice number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. So now you know Jack Schitt.