Dirty Jokes — best jokes

So the elephant says to the naked man...

- You breathe through that little thing?

The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.

- Mrs. Brown, - he said, - I have some good news for you.

The woman said:

- I'm glad of that, doctor, but I'm Miss Brown.

- Miss Brown, - said the doctor without changing expression, - I have bad news for you.

How long does it take for a woman to orgasm?
→ Who cares?

Back in the '70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned to his friend, and said:

- Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, 'Oh, great. Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.' 'Why?' says her friend. 'Don't you have a vase?'

They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a bloodcurdling shriek!

- What was that? - starts Hefner's friend.

- Oh, probably just the umbrella stand...

Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?
→ They couldn't close his casket.

A truck driver breaks down and shortly another trucker stops to give him a hand. He notices that the first driver has a big red spot painted on his dash and asks him what it's for.

He replies:

- Oh that's a conversation piece for when I pick up female hitchhikers. I get lots of pussy that way.

The other driver thinks that's a great idea so he paints a red spot on his dash too. Then he sees a girl hitchhiking so he picks her up. She notices the red spot on the dash and asks him what it's for.

He says:

- It's a conversation piece. You wanna fuck?

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.

She says:

- Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone.

So she plays it while he screws her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says:

- Let's stop up and see that guy.

The other girl says:

- Gee... do you think he'd remember us?

Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench.

The town flasher comes by and shows them his ALL!

The first little old lady had a huge stroke. The second little old lady had a little stroke. The third little old lady would have had a stroke................ but her arms weren't quite long enough.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
→ Because men keep telling them that this |<---------------------->| is 12 inches.

A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip.

Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains:

- No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'.

- Doesn't matter - the tourist answers.