Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Did you hear what Monica Lewinskys' mother said when she brought home her dress?
→ What, doesn't the White House have any club soda?

- Ken: So Mr. President did you ever buy Lewinsky any gifts?

- Prez: I don't rightly recall ... actually I did once splash out on a dress for her

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. Sleeping Beauty proclaimed:

- I am the most beautiful person in the world.

- No, you're not - answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

Tom Thumb shouted:

- I am the smallest person in the world.

- No, you're not - said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

Don Juan announced:

- I've had more lovers than any person in the world.

- No, you haven't - replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming:

- I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so.

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty:

- I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees.

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering:

- Who the hell is Bill Clinton?

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells:

- Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself.

- What? - the operator exclaimed.

- I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police! - the little old lady repeated.

- Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?

- Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!

In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward and Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to write a new book about the scandal. Working title: "All the President's Women."

If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton doing the same?

- Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky?

- Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the sweetest interns I've ever had.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said:

- Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?

- Yes, I know - said the lady.

- I need both hands to hold onto this hat.

- But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! - said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied:

- Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

Willy's rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting like he's driving a car, an orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he's doing.

Willy replies:

- I'm going to Chicago for the weekend.

The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him.

He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies:

- I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago.

A young boy was visiting his grandfather's farm when one day he walks out behind the barn and sees his grandfather playing with himself.

The boy says:

- What are you doing grandpa, jacking off?

Grandpa replies:

- No sonny, just jacking!