Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Making Coffee

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

Laying a Carpet

Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

Hanging Wallpaper

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

Putting Up a Tent

Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

Washing a Car

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

Being in Therapy

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

Being in a Crash

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

Going Fishing

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

A worried father confronted his daughter one night:

- I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it.

- Oh no, Daddy - the daughter replied - Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says:

- In America, we call this a hug.

She replies:

- Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says:

- In America, we call this a kiss.

She replies:

- Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too.

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says:

- In America, we call this a grass sandwich.

She says:

- Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

- It's a very handy thing - God told the couple - and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty.

Adam jumped up and blurted:

- Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It'd be so great. When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It'd be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please.

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn't mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

- Fine - God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers.

- What's left here?

- Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms.

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said:

- Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.

The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

- Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.

The doctor was shocked!

- You asked your neighbor?

The old man replied:

- Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
→ The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

- We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant - she confessed miserably.

- I'm sure we'll solve your problem - the doctor reassured her.

- If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.

- Well, all right, doctor - agreed the young woman, blushing.

- but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife:

- Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!

She ignores the remark.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds:

- If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned:

- Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak:

- Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!

The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

Examples

1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.
25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese and mushrooms.
53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.

Preparing the Bedroom

Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)

Additional Last Minute Preparations

Hiding the sex manual: 3
Decanting the wine: 4
Without a corkscrew: 268

Making the First Move

If you are shy: 15
If you are anxious: 43
If you beg: 100

Seducing the Partner

If you are rich (cash): 5
If you are rich (credit card): 15
If you are poor: 200

Initial Body Contact

Fumbling: 4
Casually rummaging around: 7
Seriously rummaging around: 42

Removing Clothes

With partner's consent: 12
Without partner's consent: 187
Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

Arousal and Stimulation

Blowing in partner's ear: 15
Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

Disappointment

(after seeing partner undressed)
Partner looks better with clothes on: 10
Partner wears corrective underwear: 15
Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100
You don't mind: 0.25
Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

Doing It for the First Time

Fumbling around: 4
Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18
Completely missing: 126

Positions

Italian (man on top woman on bottom): 26
German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48
English (woman on top man hiding): 15
American (both on top): 1,243

Afflictions

Leg cramp: 36
Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612
Sneezing (during intercourse): 7
Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

Assorted Accidents

Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5
Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72
Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1
Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17
Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133
Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Shoes flew off: 15
Expression didn't change: 0.5
Room turned purple: 4
Face turned purple: 78
Earth moved: 30
If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588
Moaning in Turkish: 506

Things Often Said After Sex

"I am so grateful": 15
"It must have been something we ate": 15
"Was it good for you?": 15
"Are you finished?": 15

Trying Again

If woman is ready: 5
If man is not: 563

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After sex: 18
During sex: 546
While parking car: 212

Sleep

Real: 5
Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

Taking a Bath Together

In a bath: 5
In a sink: 150
In a jacuzzi: 15,269

Making the Bed

With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired).
With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)

Keeping a Journal

Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:

December 1st: Sex with Harold
Explaining how: 12
Suggesting something different: 3
Calming terrified Harold: 40
Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8
Foreplay (a little of this a little of that): 56
Intercourse (standing position): 22
Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10
Intercourse (urging him on): 5
Orgasm: not sure
Thanking Harold: 3
Waving bye-bye: 1
Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)
Total calories burned: 160