Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back.
"You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"

A guy admired the hair of three girls.
He walked by one and asked, "How'd you get such lovely blonde hair?"

Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl answered, "It's natural."

The guy walked by the second girl and asked, "How'd you get such pretty brown hair?"

Fluffing her hair, the second girl said, "It's natural."

Finally the guy approached the third girl and asked, "How'd you get such cool green hair?"

Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose, then skimming it through the hair, she said, "It's natural."

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume party. Being shy and self-conscious about his appearance, he goes to the best costume shop in town. When he gets there, he tells the shop owner his situation and that he would rather cover his head and leg with a costume instead of exploiting his apparent problems. So, the shop owner comes back with a lifeguard costume.

The man says, "No, no. That will show off my peg leg. I can't hide it with that. Try again." So the shop owner leaves and comes back with a monk costume. And again the man says, "No, no. I can't wear that. It will make people notice my head."

Obviously pissed off, the shop owner leaves and comes back with a five-pound bag of caramels, gives it to the man and says, "Here. Just take this." Confused, the man says, "What am I supposed to do with a bag of caramels?" Smiling, the shop owner says, "Take home this bag of caramels, melt them, pour it all over your body, stick that peg leg up your ass and tell everyone you're a caramel apple."

What do dirty fish read?
→ Prawno Magazines!

What do naked fish play with?
→ Bare-a-cudas!

What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "UCK"?
→ FIRETRUCK.

What did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman?
→ "Come behind the pyramid, and I'll make you a mummy!"

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy." The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five." At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you." The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me about it."

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could draw. His dog's name was "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which he did with no sweat.

The accountant said he thought his dog, "Balance", could do better.

He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.

The chemist said that was a very good stunt, but that his dog, "Apothecary", could do better yet. He told his dog to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. Apothecary did this without a hitch.

All three men agreed their dogs were equally smart. They turned to the Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do. The Civil Servant called his dog, whose name was "Coffee break", and said, "Show the fellows what you can do, old buddy." Coffee Break then strolled over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so. He then filed a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied for Workers' Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.