Computer Jokes — best jokes

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right.

The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."

A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer--the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

- Tech Support: Which format are the images you send?

- Customer: Rectangular, 15x11 centimeters.

- Customer: It says I've performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something wrong?

- Customer: Why didn't you tell me I have call waiting?

- Tech Support: Sir, we have no way of knowing if you have call waiting.

- Customer: Well, you should ask everybody!

- Tech Support: Do you have call waiting?

- Customer: What's that?

- Customer: Wait, that password looks really gray. I'm going to type it in again.

- Customer: I've been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically -- but there's a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time.

- Tech Support: Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?

- Customer: Of course I am. That's why I bought it.

- Tech Support: Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?

- Customer: Don't get rude with me, of course I do.

- Tech Support: Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results.

- Customer: I know all that -- what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it.

- Customer: Hi, I'm supposed to pack [zip] my database and send it to you. What should I pack it in?

- Customer: My disk is stuck in my disk drive. Clicking eject doesn't work.

- Tech Support: Ok, turn the power to your Mac off, hold down the mouse clicker, and power the Mac back up.

- Customer: Look, I don't have three hands!