Business Jokes — best jokes

These are from actual resumes:

• "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."
• "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
• "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
• "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
• "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
• "Number of dependents: 40."
• "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

• "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB

• "Responsibility makes me nervous."
• "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB

• "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
• "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
• "The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES

• "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
• "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES

• "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
• "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
• "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES

• "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS

• "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING

• "Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
• "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
• "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
• "I'm a rabid typist."
• "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
→ Bonds mature!

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

New York, NY
Police across the nation are warning people who wear pagers to be on the lookout for the latest scam.

According to police, pagers in several states have been beeped by a number displaying a 212 area code (New York) and the prefix 540. When the victims return the call, they are charged $55 on their phone bill.

The call the respondent makes has been electronically linked into a 900 "pay-per-call" system which allows the charge to be added to the phone bill.

"People will look at the number and say 'Gee, who is calling me from out of state? It must be important,'" said an investigator.

FrameMaker and Interleaf are competing documentation products. When the spelling checker of FrameMaker 2.1 encounters the word Interleaf in a document, it flags it as a misspelling. What does it offer as the correct spelling? "FrameMaker"!

Denny's resturants are also open 24 hours a day. When they decided to close last Christmas (first time ever), they realized that a lot of doors did not have locks, most of those that did have locks, no one knew where to find the keys!

St. Paul, Minnesota:
For people with lots on their agenda, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Company creates 25-inch-by-30-inch Post-It Easel Pads.

The city of Whittier, California was founded many years ago, mainly by Quakers. There is a prominent sign composed of large, brass letters on one of the financial institutions in that community identifying it as the Quaker City Bank. The last letter of the first word fell off during an earthquake yesterday, making the sign read "Quake City Bank."

Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge. What these fail to address, however, is that if I'm perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I'm not about to give out a correct phone number. They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.

Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?

I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that theives have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card.

Phone Company Gives Something for Nothing

Dear Ann,
I think I can top the person who wrote complaining about the idiocy of the phone company. Talk about garbage in, garbage out!

When AT&T split with Bell, we had three phones in our house. The equipment belonged to Ma Bell and the service belonged to AT&T. After we returned all the phone equipment to Ma Bell, we received a bill for $0.00. A few weeks later, we received a check for $5 and a note thanking us. Several months later, we received another computerized bill for $0.00. We called again, got nowhere, so we sent another check for $0.00. A few weeks later we received another $5 refund with the same thank you.

This went on every three months for two years. Now we are down to once a year and have given up trying to straighten this out. We just cash the $5 and forget about it.

Linda K. R. in California