Bar Jokes — best jokes

I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking.

One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:
They have no wife to go home to...
or they do.

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

"Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer.

His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison.

"Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!' " he admitted.

Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses some unexpected problems. But when I came upon a friend of mine in a bar the night after his wedding, I had ask exactly what he was doing there instead of with his new bride.

"Well, you see, this morning when I got up," he said, "I was barely awake from a wonderful night of love-making. More out of habit than anything else, I put a fifty dollar bill on the dresser."

I told him not to worry about it, that his new wife probably wouldn't even think anything of it; that he could always say he left her some spending money.

"No no!" he half wailed/half said, "You don't understand. She was half asleep too and gave me $30 change."

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.

"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.

The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "

Chanowski & his other Polak drinking buddy are sitting at a bar. "See those guys over there?" Chanowski says. "I'm going over there and ask them what they think of Polaks." Chanowki walks up to the two guys sitting at the other end of the bar and asks them what they think of Polaks. One of the men gives Chanowski the finger. The middle finger. Chanowski then walks back to his drinking buddy. "Well, what do they think of Polaks?" he asks. "We're still number one," replies Chanowski.

A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink.

The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."

The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."

The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."

"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?"

"No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar. "Bartender," he says, "give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab."

When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A moment later he's at her side. "That was very kind of you," she says. "Won't you sit down?"

After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm a professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred dollars. If that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings."

"I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and I like you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure, let's go upstairs."

When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering. There's something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish."

"Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount."

"Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making any profit!"

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish Joke..." The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers" "Okay" says the customer, "I'll tell it very slowly."