Bar Jokes — best jokes

A guy in a bar. The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

Three Republicans walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve Republicans here."

The Republicans say, "That's OK... We don't serve you either."

A guy is sitting at a bar and orders a drink. At the same time the TV go's on and there is Bill Clinton about to give a speech. The man yells, "There's a horses ass" A guy gets up and punches him.. And the man left.. Then when Hilary Clinton came on he said the same, "There's a horses ASS..."

He then got punched again.. So he says to the bartender, "What is this, a Clinton country?" The bartender says "no, Horse country"

What do pub landlords say in Kosovo at chucking out time?
→ "Come on you lot, have you not got any homes to go to?"

What did the man say when he walked into a bar?
→ OUCH!

A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other one on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does the same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what's going on. "Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"? The man smiles at him, winks and says "I'm trying to get my date drunk."

How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?
→ At the circus the clowns don't talk...

In a Texas bar, The bartender Fred was fed up with penis boasting from the regulars.

So to put an end to all the boasting Fred says to them "whip 'em out".

Fred pulls a yard stick from under the bar, at the same time a gay guy walks into the bar.

Fred ask the man if there is something that he can get for him.

The gay guy replies "i was going to get a beer, but i'll check your buffett first"

What's the difference between a barmaid in the evening and a barmaid at night?
→ A barmaid in the evening is fair and buxom.
→ A barmaid at night is bare and ....

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks.

After a while the conversation started turning a little rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their snatches were. (This happens all the time.)

The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. All the people in the bar were watching, hooting and hollering, throwing money.

Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted her leg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in. People were going ballistic.

Finally the third women very casually got up on the bar and asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and the jukebox starts playing.