Aviation Jokes — best jokes

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?" she sighed.

"No more," the man said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!"

How do you pick up TWA flight attendants?
→ With a fishing pole!

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.

At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets.

When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

- Pilot: Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct!

- Tower: Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . . repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."

- Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7

- Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.

- Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?

- Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers.

And who says our controllers don't have a sense of humor?

November 22, 1996 - Any More Complaints?

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."

November 15, 1996 - What the...?!

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first."

The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.

November 8, 1996 - Which Exit Did You Say That Was?

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high...

- San Jose Tower: American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

November 1, 1996 - Ouch!

Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was "GIB," and stood for "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat.

October 11, 1996 - What Is That Thang?

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City...

- KC Approach: Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles.

- Three-two-Charlie: We've got him. We'll follow him.

- KC Approach: Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?

- Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl) Well... I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though.

September 6, 1996 - Mmmm-mmm, Good!

- Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.

- Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.

- Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?

- Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers.

June 28, 1996 - No, That's not what I Said!

- O'Hare Approach Control: United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound.

- United 329: Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight.

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
→ Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!

- Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.

- Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?

- Radar: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?