At Work — best jokes

How to Hunt Elephants -- Senior Manager Style
Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

Bob calls in to his job: "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."

The boss says: "You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Bob calls: "Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18-year-old nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Things You Don't Want Your Sysadmin To Say

1. Uh-oh...
2. Oh S***!
3. What the heck?!?
4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)
5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
6. Wow!! Look at this...
7. Hey!! The Suns don't do this.
8. Terminated?!?
9. What software license?!?
10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...
11. Wow...that seemed fast...
12. I got a better job at Lockheed...
13. Management says...
14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.
15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
16. It didn't do that a minute ago...
17. Where's the GUI on this thing?
18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...
19. Where's the DIR command?
20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.
22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
23. Do you smell something?
24. What's that grinding sound?
25. I have never seen it do THAT before...
26. I don't think it should be doing that...
27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
28. You might as well all go home early today...
29. My leave starts tomorrow.
30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
32. Why is my "rm -R *" taking so long?"
33. Hmmm, curious...
34. Well, MY files were backed up.
35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
40. We're standardizing on AIX.
41. Wonder what THIS command does?
42. What did you say your (1)user name was...? ;-)

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.

"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."

The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.

The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.

The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."

I knew this guy. He was a sound guy from Ireland.

He spoke to me one day and told me he was going to apply for a job.

He told me that he walked out because the guy asked me for my name and i said "Paddy Milligan". He said "How do you spell "Milligan"? he replied

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation

9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
10. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
11. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
12. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
13. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
14. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
15. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.
16. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
17. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Faced with economic pressures, many commercial offices are cutting back on costs wherever possible, in an attempt to remain profitable.

At one particular office, employees are taking management's belt-tightening orders seriously: "I'm taking home only half the office supplies I used to", one staffer notes.