At Work — best jokes

RESOLUTION #1:
1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2001: I will read 5 books a year.
2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2004: I will read at least one article this year.
2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:
1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2003: I will work out 5 days a week.
2004: I will work out 3 days a week.
2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:
1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.

RESOLUTION #4:
2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2003: I will not leave Marge.
2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

RESOLUTION #5:
2002: I will stop looking at other women.
2003: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2005: I will stop looking at other women.

RESOLUTION #6:
2002: I will not let my boss push me around.
2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

RESOLUTION #7:
2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2005: I will not speak to Charlie.

RESOLUTION #8:
2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2004: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.

RESOLUTION #9:
2002: I will see my dentist this year.
2003: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2004: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #10:
2002: I will go to church every Sunday.
2003: I will go to church as often as possible.
2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

Ten signs you're not getting a Christmas bonus

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
11. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
12. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
13. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
14. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"
15. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
16. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
17. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
18. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times
19. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

Department Store Santa Peeves

8. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.
9. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
10. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch"
11. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask
12. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School
13. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
14. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam
15. Two words: lap rash

This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and...

- Where does mommy live?

- Minneapolis.

- Where does grandma live?

- Baltimore.

- Where does grandpa live?

- Baltimore.

- And where does daddy live?

- At work!

Needless to say, he took the morning off that next day...

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name," was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. "L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Another problem solved.

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

• Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
• Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
• Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
• Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
• Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
• Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
• Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
• Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
• Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
• Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
• Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
• Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
• Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
• Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
• Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
• Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
• Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
• Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
• Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
• Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
• Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
• Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
• Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
• Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
• Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
• Old investors never die, they just roll over.
• Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
• Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
• Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
• Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
• Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
• Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
• Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
• Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
• Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
• Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
• Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
• Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
• Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
• Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
• Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
• Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
• Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
• Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
• Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
• Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
• Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
• Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
• Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
• Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
• Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
• Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
• Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
• Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
• Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
• Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
• Old students never die, they just get degraded.
• Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
• Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
• Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
• Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
• Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
16. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
18. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
19. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
20. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
21. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
22. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
23. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
24. "The coffee machine is broken...."
25. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
26. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
27. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
28. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: "Amen"