Animal Jokes — best jokes

Two men were walking along the street when they came upon a dog licking his dick.

One man said, "I sure wish I could do that." The other replied, "You can, but you're probably going to have to pet him first."

Why do elephants have 4 feet?
→ Because 4 inches isn't enough.

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.

For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.

He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.

In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go.

I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.

What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
→ Eight beers.

What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other?
→ Gee, we really do taste like chicken.

If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey bites off my roosters feet, what do you have?
→ Two feet of my cock in your ass.

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.

Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

Why do you wrap duct tape around a hamster?
→ So it doesn't explode when you fuck it.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
→ Right where you left him.