Animal Jokes — best jokes

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.

They are standing in front of the big silverback gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.

There he ravishhes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend visits her the next day and asks, "Are you hurt?" She replies, "Of course I'm hurt, he hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

Instructions on how to Collect a Beaker of Cat's Urine

1. Treat the beaker like your most prized possession.
2. Solemnly intone the word "no" every time the cat approaches the beaker.
3. After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone with the beaker for thirty seconds.

- I hope I'm not poisonous.

- Why?

- Because I bit my lip!

How do you catch a polar bear?
→ First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.

Why does a cow wear a bell?
→ Because his horns are broke!

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
→ Because it was dead.

Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
→ Because it was stapled to the monkey.

What does an elephant use as a vibrator?
→ An epilectic.

What has two legs and bleeds?
→ Half a dog.

Have you ever smelled moth balls?
→ How did you get their little legs apart?

Two sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their herd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says, "I hear they're doing this to women in Chicago!"