Animal Jokes — best jokes

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says:

- Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down.

She exclaims:

- I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!

The husband replies:

- Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.

The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

- I would like a Sprite - said the first little piggie.

- I would like a Coke - said the second little piggie.

- I want water, lots and lots of water - said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

- I want a nice big steak - said the first piggie.

- I would like the salad plate - said the second piggie.

- I want water, lots and lots of water - said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

- I want a banana split - said the first piggie.

- I want a root beer float - said the second piggie.

- I want water, lots and lots of water - exclaimed the third little piggie.

- Pardon me for asking - said the waiter - but why have you only ordered water?

The third piggies says:

- Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'

What do you get when you cross a Rotweiler with a Collie?
→ A dog who bites off your arm and go's to get help.

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"

The panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"

"Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda."

"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:

PANDA:

1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. He told the homeowner:

- Now listen carefully, I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on

- Ok, got it - the homeowner replied. But whats that shotgun for?

- If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla - the man said - shoot the Chihuahua.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
→ It doesn't matter, he won't come!

Joe says to Bill:

- Want to see a picture of my Aunt?

Bill said:

- Sure.

So Joe takes out a picture.

Bill says:

- What are you talking about? Thats not your aunt! Thats a picture of a fish!

Joe says:

- Well sure it is... It's my aunt Chovy!

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender. The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order:

- What'll it be? - the bartender says.

The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want." The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes." The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!" The duck looks at him in the eyes and says:

- I'll have the grapes.

The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!" The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?" "Good, got any grapes?"

A frog walks into a bank and says:

- I wanna loan.

- Well Mr. frog, go over there to Mrs. Black's desk, she is the loan manager, I'm sure she will be happy to talk to you - The head desk says.

The frog hops over to Mrs. Patty Black's desk and says, "I wanna loan." Mrs. Black says, "Well Mr. Frog, we will have to get some paperwork for you to sign, so if you will wait right here..." At this point the frog pulls out of his knapsack a golden disk and hands it over to her. She asks, confused, "What is this?" The frog croaks back, "I wanna loan."

She rubs her head, and walks back to her boss and says:

- I don't get it, a frog hops in here wanting a loan, and gives me this golden disk. Do you know what it is?

The boss laughs and says:

- It's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan!

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said:

- I wish you could talk.

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

- Well, did you see this?

- Yes - motioned the monkey.

- What happened?

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

- They were drinking? - asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head:

- Yes.

- What else?

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

- They were smoking marijuana?

The monkey shakes his head:

- Yes.

- What else?

The monkey motioned:

- kissing.

- They were kissing, too? - asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head:

- Yes.

- Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.

The monkey shakes his head:

- Yes.

- What were you doing during all this?

- Driving - motioned the monkey.