Animal Jokes — best jokes

How do you get holy water?
→ Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam!"

What do prisoners use to call each other?
→ Cell phones

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho cheese

What do you get from a pampered cow?
→ Spoiled milk

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
→ A pool table.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
→ They're trying to get away from the noise.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
→ The taste.

What is a polygon?
→ A dead parrot.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
→ Take away its credit cards.

What's the difference between boogers and spinach?
→ You can't get kids to eat spinach.

What did the horse say when he fell?
→ I've fallen and I can't giddy up!

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
→ A private tutor.

What do you call a sleeping cow?
→ A bulldozer.

What do you call a blind deer?
→ No eye deer?

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
→ Still no eye deer?

What goes tick tick woof woof?
→ A watch dog.

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
→ You can see right through him.

What goes vroom screech vroom screech vroom screech?
→ A blonde going through a blinking red light.

Why do farts smell?
→ So deaf people can enjoy them too.

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.

As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

- Wow, this is great - he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

- Hey - he called - I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

- Yes. Come and join us - they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

- What else do you wild rabbits do? - he asked.

- Well, - one of them said - You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again:

- What else do you do?

- You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

- Is there anything else you guys do? - he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

- There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there - he said, pointing to the far corner of the field.

- They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.

- That was fantastic - he panted.

- So are you going to live with us then? - one of them asked.

- I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised.

- Why? We thought you liked it here.

- I do - our friend replied. - But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette!

A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.

The old man says:

- Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the sheep. It was a lot of fun!

The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.

The old man said:

- Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the neighbor's wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!

The reporter, feeling frustrated, finally told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said:

- Well, one time I was lost ...

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother:

- There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

- How did you know that? - his mother asked.

- Daddy picked them up and looked underneath - he replied.

- I think it's printed on the bottom!

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.

He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:

- Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!

Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman and he went hunting as often as he could.

The other was his friend who is a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything.

They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to - it had a terrible infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even see out of.

The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop:

- Hey! - he said.

- Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?

A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.

Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.

- Oh, my - exclaimed the lady.

- Come on, I'll clean you!

She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter. She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird. Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.

And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale. She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling... Pssssst...

- Hey, lady!

- Yes? - she responded.

- Do you have a Kleenex? - asked the voice from the bushes.

- No, not anymore - she answered.

- Damn! Have ya' seen any Ducks?

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?

The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis

Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!

- I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!

- Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!

- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.

- I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.

- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

- If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!

- I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water.

- At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.

- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!

- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.

- HELP! Mypenis is lost...can you help me find him?

- Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.

- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.

- Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.

- Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.

- Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!

- Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?

- I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.

- When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
→ A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,
Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.

I ran my finger down her spin.

I don't know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.

And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.

At last it is finished, it's all over now.

My first time ever........................

Milking a cow!

(And what were YOU thinking about?)