Animal Jokes — best jokes

How do you stop a dog howling in the back of a car?
→ Put him in the front.

A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the truck would jump out of the cab with a big stick and bang on the side of the cargo bay. He'd then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed.

The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand it no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the first fellow jumped out and ran up to him.

- I'm sorry to bother you - he said, over the din of the banging

- but I am very curious; could you tell me what you are doing?

Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied:

- Sure, Mac. Ya see, this here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight tons of canaries aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the time so I don't break an axle.

What business is King Kong in?
→ Monkey business.

This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks:

- How much are your parrots?

The salesman answers:

- The first one is $1,000.

- What does he know?

- He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions.

- How about the second one?

- The second parrot costs $5,000.

- What does he know?

- He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.

- Then what is the price for the third one? - the buyer is wondering.

- This one costs $20,000.

- Really?! - wonders the excited buyer.

- What does he know?

- This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS.'

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog:

- T-square, do your stuff!

T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said:

- Slide Rule, do your stuff!

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said:

- Measure, do your stuff!

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said:

- What can your dog do?

The Government Worker called to his dog and said:

- Coffee Break, do your stuff!

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

A frog goes into the bank and asks the teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to see Mr. Paddywack, the loan officer.

Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says:

- What do you have for collateral?

The frog pulls out of his pocket a solid silver elephant.

Mr. Paddywack looks at the elephant and says:

- I don't know. I'm going to have to ask Mr. Larson, the bank manager to approve this.

He goes into Mr. Larson's office and comes back.

Two minutes later, Mr. Larson comes out with the elephant and says:

- It's a knick-knack Paddywack, give the frog a loan!

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.

The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling:

- Help, Help me!

but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says:

- Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?

What happened to the cannibal lion?
→ He had to swallow his pride!

Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
→ Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!

What happened to the cannibal lion?
→ He had to swallow his pride.