Animal Jokes — best jokes

Two Canadian hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.

What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?
→ Show me your mussels.

The world's most incredibly lazy man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel.

- They're yours, but what are they for? - the genie asked.

- I'm tired of walking everywhere--I want to just ride the horse. The sumo wrestler is so that I won't have to work to get on the horse.

- But the squirrel? - asked the genie.

- I need something to go 'click-click' to start the horse!!!

Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards?
→ Because Noah was standing on the deck!

Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?
→ He had a bee in his suit of armour!

What do you call a guard with a hundred legs?
→ A sentrypede.

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

- Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water? - Gramma asked him.

- I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma - exclaimed Johnny.

- There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!

- Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!

- Well, Gramma, - replied Johnny - if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!

Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love?
→ They got married in the spring.

What's a cow's favourite love song?
→ When I fall in love, it will be for heifer.

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
→ "I love you a ton!"