Best jokes

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

- Where did you get that ring? - her husband asks.

- Well - she replies.

- my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings.

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

- Where did you get that coat? - her husband asks.

She replies:

- My boss and played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings.

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.

- Where did you get that car? - her husband asks.

Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.

That night, his wife asks him to pour her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she find that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.

- And this? - she asks her husband.

- Well - he replies.

- we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?!

Have you ever seen a duchess?
→ Yes - it's the same as an English "s"

Why is the letter "t" so important to a stick insect?
→ Without it would be a sick insect.

Which two letters are rotten for your teeth?
→ D K

- Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma like I told you to?

- Yes Mom.

- Your handwriting seems very large.

- Well, Grandma's very deaf, so I'm writing very loudly.

Crazy Aunt Maud received a letter one morning, and upon reading it burst into floods of tears.

- What's the matter? - asked her companion.

- Oh dear - sobbed Auntie.

- It's my favorite nephew. He's got three feet.

- Three feet? - exclaimed her friend.

- Surely that's not possible?

- Well - said Auntie.

- his mother's just written to tell me he's grown another foot !

The bartender asks him:

- What'll you have?

The guy answers:

- A scotch, please

The bartender hands him the drink, and says:

- That'll be five dollars

to which he replies:

- What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender:

- You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration

The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy:

- Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says:

- What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!

The guy says:

- What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life

to which the bartender replies:

- I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.

To which the guy replies:

- Thank you! Make it a scotch.

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.

He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher:

- You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!

The old rancher replied:

- Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

- Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all - the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

- Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said:

- Actually, I made up the previous statement.

But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

- But how? - the lawyer asked.

- You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.

- Oh, yes - the jury foreman replied.

- We all looked - but your client didn't!