Best jokes

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping:

- Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

- God Almighty! - shouted Mary, and the teacher said:

- Very good - and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary:

- Who is our Lord and Savior - but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again.

- Jesus Christ! - shouted Mary, and the teacher said:

- Very good - and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question:

- What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted:

- If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!

How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
→ You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year-old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex." Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?" "Because their kid is standing on the balcony too."

What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm?
→ He is usually home with the kids!

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do vampires get AIDS?

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts:

- Ready! Aim!

Suddenly the brunette yells:

- EARTHQUAKE!!!

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts:

- Ready! Aim!

Suddenly the redhead yells:

- TORNADO!!!

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts:

- Ready! Aim!

and the blonde yells:

- FIRE!!!

Yo Momma is so ugly that she scares blind people!!!!

- Mommy, all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true?

- No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face.