Best jokes

A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

- Where can I buy one? - he is asked.

Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.

- I'll take him - says the other man as he counts out the money.

I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?

- Sure.

The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says:

- sorry, bad news.

I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.

The city feller says just give me my money back then.

- Can't, spent it already!

- Well... unload the mule then.

- What ya gonna do with him?

- Raffle him off!

- Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!

- Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks.

One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.

- What did ya do with that dead mule?

- Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit.

- Didn't anyone complain?

- Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

- You look hot, my son - said the cleric.

- why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand.

- No thanks - said the young man.

- My father wouldn't like it.

- Don't be silly - the minister said.

- Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said:

- Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!

- Well, he's under the load of hay. - replied the young farmer.

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

- Who's the boss around here? - he asked.

- I am. - said the man.

The farmer said:

- I have a black horse and a brown horse, which one would you like?

The man thought for a minute and said:

- The black one.

- No, no, no, get the brown one. - the man's wife said.

- Here's your chicken. - said the farmer.

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man:

- Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied:

- Naw, these are soybeans.

- You don't understand - said the preacher.

- Are you a Christian?

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said:

- Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer:

- Are you lost?

- Naw! I've lived here all my life - answered the farmer.

- Are you prepared for the resurrection? - the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked:

- When's it gonna be?

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied:

- It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day.

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked:

- Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days.

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

The boy confessed sadly:

- Pa, the chickens got loose, but I managed to find all twelve of them.

- Well, you did real good, son - the farmer beamed.

- You left with seven.

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him:

- Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?

The farmer replies:

- I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.

- How? - asks the man, puzzled.

- Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.

- Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs? - she asked.

- Yeth. - lisped the farmer.

Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered:

- Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

- Let's have a party, Homer - she suggested.

- Let's kill a pig.

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

- Gee, Ethel - he finally answered.

- I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.

A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.

Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.

Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.

The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.

The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.

The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move.

- These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore! - bellows the farmer.

With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.

Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely.

- These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them! - yells the farmer.

With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.

The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied.

- Worthless sheep! - screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.

Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.

The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist.

- Are you okay down there? - asked the farmer.

- NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! - the tourist yelled back.