Best jokes

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said:

- There are no fish down there.

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said:

- There's no fish down there.

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said:

- There's no fish down there.

He looked up into the sky and asked:

- God, is that you?

- No, you idiot - the voice said.

- it's the rink manager.

Heard the one about the three blondes that went ice fishing and didn't catch anything?

By the time they cut a hole big enough for the boat to fit in it was time to go home.

A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the game warden.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell and hot on his heels came the game warden.

After about a half mile, the guy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the game warden finally caught up to him.

- Let's see yer fishin license, boy! - the warden gasped.

With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license.

- Well, son - said the Game Warden.

- You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!

- Yes sir - replied the young feller.

- But my friend back there, well, he don't have one...

A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales.

The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz..

Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said:

- double my I.Q so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting shakespeare.

Then the second fisherman said:

- triple my I.Q. and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.

The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said:

- Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life! - the fisherman said

- yes so the mermaid turned him into a woman

An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved wadders on and his favourite flies out of their box

Strangly though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work.

The weather forcast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon.

The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it.

With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon.

Confused the angel asked God:

- Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson.

God replied:

- I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?

Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait.

The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait.

After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walk across the water.

After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom.

The first priest turned to the second priest and asked:

- Should we have told him where the rocks were?

Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms.

Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask:

- how did you catch those?

Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing!

So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try. They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend:

- hold my legs now Paddy.

Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries..:

- pull me up, pull me up!!

Paddy asks:

- do you have a fish Sean?............

No replies Sean:

- there's a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!

Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish.

The first blonde said:

- This is such a great spot, we need to mark it so we can come back.

The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat.

The first blonde asked:

- What are you doing?

The second blonde replied:

- Marking the spot.

- Don't be stupid - the first blonde said.

- What if we don't get the same boat next time?

One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by.

Joe then said:

- Gee Bob, I didn't know you had it in you!

Bob then replies:

- It's the least I could do. After all I was married to her for 30 years.