Best jokes

State of Arkansas Residency Application

Name: ................ (last)
( ) Billy-Bob
( ) Billy-Joe
( ) Billy-Ray
( ) Billy-Sue
( ) Billy-Mae
( ) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ....
Sex: .... M ..... F ..... N/A
Shoe Size: .... Left .... Right

Occupation:
( ) Farmer
( ) Mechanic
( ) Hair Dresser
( ) Un-employed

Spouse's Name:
Relationship with spouse:
( ) Sister
( ) Brother
( ) Aunt
( ) Uncle
( ) Cousin
( ) Mother
( ) Father
( ) Son
( ) Daughter
( ) Pet

Number of children living in household: ...
Number that are yours: ...
Mother's Name:
Father's Name: (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you ( )own or ( )rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

... Total number of vehicles you own
... Number of vehicles that still crank
... Number of vehicles in front yard
... Number of vehicles in back yard
... Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
.... truck
.... bedroom
.... bathroom
.... kitchen
.... shed

Model and year of your pickup: ............. 194_
Do you have a gun rack? ( ) Yes ( ) No; please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
( ) The National Enquirer
( ) The Globe
( ) TV Guide
( ) Soap Opera Digest
( ) Rifle and Shotgun

... Number of times you've seen a UFO
... Number of times you've seen Elvis
... Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
( )Weekly
( )Monthly
( )Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
( )Yellow
( )Brownish-Yellow
( )Brown
( )Black
( )N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
( )Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
( )1 mile
( )2 miles
( )don't know

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went. He said, "We're learning about sexual education." She smiled, and said, "At least he's learning something usefull." Billy went up to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and sees him jerking off. She says, "Billy, when you're done with your homework, supper's on the table."

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?" He said, "Damn if I know." She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know." The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!"

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
→ The Spice Girls!

How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
→ When the big hand is on the little hand.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
→ From a catalogue.

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

- Mother: What does the cow say?

- Child: Moooo!

- Mother: Great! What does the cat say?

- Child: Meow.

- Mother: Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?

And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."