Best jokes

When i was a kid i used to pray for a new bike. But then I realised that the lord doesn't work that way, so i stole one and asked him to forgive me!

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my wife to go swimming!

I once met a dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Have you ever seen Pop Idol? One point it was held at an esso gas station.

This irishman came on to do a song. He stood next to the diesel pump, lit the place up and it exploded.

He started singing "I'm Still Standing"!

Having a dog is great, it's just the 'dog people' that freak me out. "Oh, look at her, she's precious, just like Mommy." Me?!? If I birthed something that had 8 nipples - it ain't leaving the house.

I knew this guy. He was a sound guy from Ireland.

He spoke to me one day and told me he was going to apply for a job.

He told me that he walked out because the guy asked me for my name and i said "Paddy Milligan". He said "How do you spell "Milligan"? he replied

Earlier this week I went to the funeral of the guy who invented the hokey pokey. It was a weird funeral. First they put his left leg in, then took his left leg out, they put his left leg in and they shaked it all about.

Then they put his right leg in and then his right leg out, they put his left leg in and they shook it all about, and so on and so forth until he was totally in

The IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.

Conan O'Brien

The IRS says they can't give back 80 million dollars in refunds because they don't have addresses for the taxpayers. Yeah, they can't find you when they owe YOU money.

Jay Leno

My HMO is terrible. They charge me for a self-examination.

It's a flat fee.

Wendy Liebman