Best jokes

Little Johnny is in class. The teacher is going through the alphabet, having each child think up a word that starts with a letter. They get to "W", and the teacher figures Little Johnny can't think up anything dirty with a "W" so she calls on him.

- Womb! - Little Johnny says.

- That's a good word, Johnny - teacher says.

- Is that as in where babies come from? - she asks.

- No - says Johnny:

- That's the sound elephants make when they're screwing... you know, "Womb! Womb! Womb!"

Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account.

- The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store - she said.

- Oh good - he said:

- Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly:

- Good morning son.

- Good morning pastor - replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque.

- Sir, what is this? - Johnny asked.

- Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service - replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly:

- Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?

What is Pink and Red and sits in a corner?
→ A baby with a razor blade.

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

- Sure you can, Mickey - Charlie said:

- Just flap your arms really really hard.

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said:

- What the hell happened?!?

Charlie said:

- I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him.

Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The principal agrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about the oral test.

First the teacher asks:

- Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?

Johnny replies:

- Legs.

So the teacher asks:

- Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?

- Pockets - Johnny replies.

Finally the teacher asks:

- And Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?

- Rome - is his answer.

With that the teacher turns to the principal and asks:

- Well, shall we pass him?

- Better not ask me - the principal says.

- I got the first two wrong!

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say:

- Hi there little boy!!

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply:

- well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke!

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says:

- HI THERE LADIES!

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says:

- See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.

- Very good Sally - the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands.

- See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.

- Very good Billy - the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.

- See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?

Still no one guesses.

- Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father.

Johnny shouts out:

- I know what it is, it's a horny bastard.

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in:

- Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?

His father says:

- Son, I'm filling your mother's tank.

Johnny says:

- Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning.

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.

Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied:

- Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.

But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.

The husband was thinking to himself:

- Oh no, what has he done now? - and said with trepidation:

- Well what did you name them?

The brother replied:

- I named the little girl Denise.

The husband, relieved, said:

- That's a very pretty name!

What did you come up with for my son?

The brother replied:

- Denephew.