Best jokes

This guys is sitting at the end of a bar. Each time someone comes in the door he says, rapidly:

- Tickle your ass with a feather?

At which point they usually ask him what it was he said, and he then says:

- Terribly nasty weather.

They then go off looking confused.

A drunk a few stools down observes this and finally says:

- Say, buddy, I see what'cher doin'-- you're putting people on! When somebody comes in the door you say, Tickle your ass with a feather, and when they say, What did you say to me? you say, terribly nasty weather.

So the guy says to the drunk:

- Yeah, it's fun putting people on. Come on down here and you do the next one that comes in.

The drunk moves down to the end of the bar. In a few moments a person enters, and he says to her:

- Stick a feather up your ass?

She said:

- Excuse me, what did you say?

He says:

- Can you believe this fucking weather?

A drunk goes into a bar sits down and says hey hey bartender can we talk about politics

The bartender says:

- IF THERE IS ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S POLITICS.

A little while later hey bartender can we talk about religon. Again the bartender says:

- IF THERE'S ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S RELIGON.

Then again we hear hey bartender can we talk about sex. The bartender says SURE. The drunk says good............fuck you!

Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before.

- 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.

- 2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!

- 3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!

- 1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog.

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

- It opens at noon, - answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

- What time does the bar open? - he asks.

- Same time as before... Noon, - replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered.

- Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?

The clerk then answers:

- It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.

- No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

- Well, you really tied one on last night, - she said.

- Where'd you go?

- I worked late, - he said. - and I stopped off for a couple of beers.

- A couple of beers? That's a laugh, - she replied.

- You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?

- What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?

- Well, - she replied.

- My first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to the other, "Hey, do you fancy dropping in there and getting shit-faced?"

How do you know if a lesbian is butch?
→ She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.

- Can I see it? - asked the second gay guy.

So the first guy promptly dropped his pants to show off his operation.

- Oooh, - squealed his friend.

- You look ten years younger!

How can u spot a tough Lesbian Bar?
→ Even the pool tables don't have balls.