Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began:
- My husband wants me to ask you...
- I know, I know. - the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.
- I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.
- No, that's not it at all - Brenda confessed.
- He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.
A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She looks surprised and says:
- I don't have a headache!
He says:
- Aha!
What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
→ They are four ways you can lose your house!
- You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common - said the new tenant's neighbor.
- Why on earth did you get married?
- I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract' - was the reply.
- He wasn't pregnant and I was.
A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying:
- Don't unleash the beast in me.
The wife snickered and replied:
- Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse.
After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband:
- Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?
The flattered husband said:
- No, dear they haven't.
The wife yells:
- Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked:
- May I help you?
The farmer said:
- Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's.
The attorney said:
- Well do you have any grounds?
The farmer said:
- Yea, I got about 140 acres.
The attorney said:
- No, you don't understand, do you have a case?
The farmer said:
- No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere.
The attorney said:
- No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?
The farmer said:
- Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere.
The attorney said:
- No sir, I mean do you have a suit?
The farmer said:
- Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church on Sundays.
The exasperated attorney said:
- Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?
The farmer said:
- No sir, we both get up about 4:30.
Finally, the attorney says:
- Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
And the farmer says:
- Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.
A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked:
- Will you buy booze?
The bum said:
- No.
The man asked:
- Will you gamble it away?
The bum said:
- No.
Then the man asked:
- Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?
Two men are discussing their lives. One says:
- I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear.
The other one says:
- I'm getting divorced for the same reasons.
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks:
- What are you doing?
She replies:
- I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old.
The husband retorts:
- Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?
She replies:
- Frankly dear, your name never came up.
