Best jokes

What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
→ Sends him to work.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said:

- If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
4. Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

- You're going to die - she replied.

I got home from work last night and said to my wife:

- You are a one

She said:

- What do you mean, I am a one?

I said:

- If Bo Derek's a ten, you're a one.

"Great, just what I need," she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven. "One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds."

- She: Do you think of me when you're away darling?

- He: Yes honey, I always bare you in mind.

Emery fixed himself a Scotch while waiting for Maria to get ready for their date. She came out of the shower wrapped in a bath towel and said:

- I'm sorry I'm late but I was shopping and lost track of time. Would you like to see me in my new dress?

- I would like nothing better. - said Emery.

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees.

After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left ajar. She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000.

She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for an explanation. He explains:

- Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer.

She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But what about the $6,000? He explains:

- Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold 'em!

The tri stages of sex in marriage-

1. Tri-weekly
2. Try-weekly
3. Try-weakly

I went out with my girlfriend and asked her:

- Why is it every time I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?

- Because I'm a prostitute.

A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom:

- Please be gentle... I am still a virgin.

The startled groom says:

- How can that be? You've been married twice...

The bride responds...

- Well you see it was this way: My first husband, he was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. Catching her breath, she says:

- My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was............. Oh God, I miss him!